Deep in my hear

Gonna warn you, it's a long post, just don't read if you are busy, you might misinterpret what i am saying.
=)

Gosh.
What is happening?

I promised myself that i would just get on, forget about everything unhappy.
(*promises made to self, are broken~*)
I tried, but i can't.

School is driving me mad~
Hearing what the teacher say.
Fail one module, and off you go to another class.
Hearing this, my heart sank, tried to force a smile.
But i can't. I know for sure, i am gonna fail a module.
My PCB is totally wrong and i know it.
So, that is one module that is a confirm fail.
And it just feels so bad that there is nothing i can do.

Stuff i learnt in class. I understand, but i just can't do them in the exam hall.
And i have no idea why.
Michelle totally hates to labeled stupid. Even no one says that, i just can feel it.
I hate that feeling.
When i knew the results today, i so wanna just get out, and just head home.
Practically don't wanna talk to anyone or anything like that.
Just feel so sucky.
a C grade. I just can't get over it. CAN'T!
I CAN'T. As much as i tried to tell myself that it's ok.
There is still time. I jolly well know it's nothing to do with time or being hardworking.
It's either in the brain or others.

Michelle is weird. Yes i admit. Things that don't affect others, things that are of no importance to others, is important to me. One thing, i hold as one of the highest priority, is academic sector. To me, it determines me. The results. I may not like that particular topic, teacher or course, i just need to score well, or else, i will just feel that i am, well, worthless.

I can't get this feeling off. It's been bugging me lately. Even today. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Don't feel like seeing anyone. (*sry tat i threw tantrums/temper online again*)
I don't know what i want and what calms me down. Perhaps, a series of studying, mugging, locking myself at home, just sitting in front of the book. I don't know.

I tried not to make my unhappiness obvious (*i succeed, but it got worst inside*).
So many things bugging me.
Even a strong rope can snap even with the lightest object on it ends one day.
What about me.
Told myself to be strong, to be brave.
What the~ They are merely words?
And this "shame" i carry on myself, can last for months, or even years.
Remember sec3 year, my results totally sucked during term1. I cried like hell at night. Even till now, i fear having sucky results. F-e-a-r. So much that i studied to maintain well.
But now, seeing my results, i so want to hide myself.

At times, i just wish i am someone that doesn't cares. Someone that is numb to everything and anything. That might be better? I guess so. Seeing myself having such grades, i fear for the future. F-e-a-r. What am to do after i graduate(*if i can*). Michelle! Stop relying on others!
Told myself, i wont rely on others. I did, but i struggled. To rely on others, is totally sucky. That feeling. Like those creepers plant. I dont wanna be that kinda girl that relies on others. Even if i have to try super hard, i will just have to go through them.

Been telling myself that, nothing can go worst when you are already at the worst. But no. What i tell myself, i never believe in them. I try not to be stubborn. I try to let things go. But the problem is, Michelle take things seriously. The michelle you see everyday may seems to be a happy-go-lucky lil girl(*an image she wants others to remember*). But every word said, ever action done, i just remember and ponder over them. At times, i just dont take it seriously, but when i take it seriously, it's just hell for me.
The struggle within me.

Asked myself, why am i like that?
Why i can't be a true happy-go-lucky girl?
Why can't i?
So many whys. Yet no answers. Tired of seeking answers. Tired of seeking the truth. Is the word even applicable~
I don't know.
Too tired too think, yet i still hold on this thought. Michelle is stubborn.

I know. I am stubborn. But afterall, i believe it's the one thing that kept me going.
How? Michelle hates admitting defeat. She knows she failed, but she won't want to talk about it. She just won't face it. Sucky i know. My brain is actually filled. (*If we could reformat our brains*)
I think too much, and think alot. Are all june babies like that?
Poor june babies, all gonna have big head.

See, a simple Common test is enough to drive me to the wall. Something i can never accept.
I am a super sula person.
I told you, i am brave, i told you i am fine alone, i told you i am happy, i told you i can manage.
But deep inside, you never know what i am saying. Some people seems to see through me about this point. Yet being the "cannot-lose-face-ger", i just wont admit. It's tiring right? Yeaps.

What am i blogging about~
Long post? People have been complaining about the long post. But, i just feel like blogging even if no one reads long post.
Although i hear my heart crying for help.
But help, can never be give. Afterall, this is something that can never be helped by outsiders. Only i can help myself.
Kiakia.

Remember the chinese post? I read it again.
I tried to tell myself, don't drift away. Don't think too much.
but i can't. Hmmmm.
Or like wk said, be prepared to get hurt.
Gosh* Sula me, once again.

Fine, i get to sleep.
A short day, a long trail of sadness and tears.