Read my mind, Read my Soul

Was a totally boring day today.
But before that, just want to mention that, EATING sweets can make you HIGH!
After the Computer And Programming Quiz, Junejune and i were like high lo.
We just want to play" people. Going home seems early.
And we so wanted to play people.
Wanted to follow YiXiang, but gave up.
Called our first victim..failed.
Because i see her, i laugh.
She hear the voice, she laugh.
So we are like laughing all the way.
T.T

Then board the bus.
Thinking of who to "play".
Hiakhiak!
First victim, i called while on the bus home.
She got a shocked.
She kept repeating: " I am not lesbian i am not lesbian. "
I was like LAUGHING at the another end.
LAUGHING!
(*shuang ar shuang....u are NOT LESBIAN, I KNOW!*)
She really got a shock.
I am seldom so serious around her one.
Woops.
Hehe.

Then next victim.
This one.
Can read me like a book!
Told him, speechless.
Then asked why.
Then know is fake de le.
T.T
Can't let me perform alittle bit one mah?

Other victims, i shan't mention.
Freakingly funny!
But long long one time, so it's ok.
Hehes!
Must be the sweets.
After eating and giving out sweets, junejune and i seems to be on a SUPER GOOD MOOD.
Weird!
But she is like humming songs along the way and i am like so HAPPY.
And guess what, for no reason one.

But happy stuff, never last long.
If that happy moment/high-ness can last.
But that's ifs.
No ifs.

Ok, let's see what i done today.
Woke up early yet UNWILLINGLY.
Then head to school for Steven Ng's lesson.
T.T
Total boredom.
And then DE.
SLEEPY!
Then headed to bugis for lunch.

Thought so hard that my head ached.
Thought so much that i see no light(*that is abit exaggerating*).
Just so puzzled with things in life.
So puzzled!
Answer me: Can you be with someone you dont **** and when you are interested in someone else?
Nothing much, just curious about it.
Just puzzled.
Ok, then had lunch at pasta mania.
Ate (*NOT ALOT*).
Then talked.
Junejune ....is beginning to be good at SUANING ME ALREADY!
T.T
Lols, but never mind.
hiakhiak.

Then went to the library.
And all of the sudden.
I just feel that, the once nice person in my heart, just dropped suddenly.
Fell from the nice person to the suckiest person.
That is why, never rate someone that high up.
All is nothing my disappointment.
I hate to admit this, but i am disappointed.
On the lorry ride home, i can't help but feel that being silly and slow/retarded is the best gift from God.
The so-called in a "healthy" state of mind tends to think that they/we are the luckier ones.
But are we?
We are faced with so many negative stuff.
We do negative stuff.
The slow/silly/retarded people do face them, but i guess, they are much more happier than us.
They see the simplest things in life.
We don't. We see the super complicated stuff in life.
Supposing, someone gives you a sweet, unwrapped.
And you think...did the sweet drop on the floor?
And there goes the opportunity to eat the sweet.
We are all in doubt of each other.
Because, we can't rely on others or we aren't reliable at all.

Simple things we can't do.
Saying No. And saying Yes becomes to hard.
An answer might affect someone. A word can affect someone.
Sometimes we say things that comes into our mind.
We just don't think before we speak.
I hate that. I do that.
I am afraid of doing that now.
I am afraid that my answer/words hurt someone or myself.
Like i have said, i love myself more than some people.
Yet, i can't bear to hurt other.
By right, i should count myself lucky, or should i not?

Can i not grow up?
I just want to remain like a kid.
Nothing much to worry about.
Argh!
It seems my Optimistic+++ got virus le.
Program not working well.

How much i hate myself.
Can i be..someone that is emotionless?
Can i can i?

I remember someone saying that the difference between humans and animals is that, humans have the ability to love.
What crap is that.
Remember to news on the lion?
It hugged the lady that saved him.
Can humans do that?
We are afterall a bunch of ingrates.
I said them to seriously?

Heard news about kids killing their parents?
Heard before kids scolding their parents? (*I am guilty of that at times*)
Yes right.
So if you say that humans have the ability to love....Are you right.
You say animals kill each other(*Same species*) for food.
Then how about humans?
We hurt each other for our own survival and happiness.
Arent we the same?

So many times i hate the fact that i am Human.
You know, you love and hate it so much.
I love being a human because i get to taste yummy food.
I get to wear clothes.
And i get to use so called high tech devices.
Yet, i hate being human because, i am selfish by nature.
My mouth becomes the most deadly weapon the world.
So many times, i just feel like locking myself up in the world of mine.
Just not making contact with anyone.
Being around people at times make me feel inferior.
Makes me feel disgusting.
I know, and i hate it.

I just want to pretend i am fine with everything.
I tried to pretend i am fine.
I smile when i dont mean to.
I kept silent when i wanted very much to speak.
Perhaps, life is all about the game of pretending?
Does one ever get tired of pretending?
Because i do.

I believe i am not someone that is pessimistic.
I am not.
It's just that i am thinking in a more negative way.
But i do see light.
I am a happy girl on the whole.
But bits and pieces of me am not.

So many people think differently of me.
Let me see.
Some said i don't think my age.
Some said i am a happy-go-lucky girl.
Some said i am a "think too much" kinda girl.
Some said i am a playful girl.
Some said i am a sensible girl.
So many different ways people think of me.
Someone said that i am nice.
First look, nothing special, wont want to know me.(*harsh la! T.T*)
But getting to know me, i seems nice.
SEEMS!
But well, i can only say, i change.
I change faster than fast.
Afterall, i take after my zodiac sign(*gemini*).
I change too fast.
I might be nice and happy this moment, and evil and unhappy the next.
That's me. And so many people have already gotten use to this me.

I know i am like that.
But don't expect me to change.
Because, I AM CHANGING EVERYTIME!
Some changes of myself that i hate yet can't change.
Recently, i am someone that am unable to pretend that i am fine.
I thought i could pretend to feel happy with you.
Thought i could pretend.
But that is no longer me.
I can no longer do that.
There are loopholes everywhere.
I tried.
I asked around. So many people gave me a No as an answer.
I know. Good intentions, don't necessary give good feelings.
But what can i do?
I am no longer trying to prevent people not getting hurt, i am trying to minimize hurt, even to myself.
Tell me what to do, because i really don't know.
The hatred i have for myself at times, is unbearable.

I hate posting such retarded stuff here.
I read, and i so feel like DELETING IT.
But if i dont do this here, where and whom can i grumble to?
Grumbling to human, just makes me feel, that i am vulnerable and IRRITATING.
Why i want myself to stop talking too much, i dont want to be an irritating pest(*i alr am!*).
Trying not too.
But~

Never mind.
I am thirsty.
Time for some honey!!!

Pimples outbreak.
Time to sing to the tunes~
Happy is the way to go girl~~